I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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