I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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