the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize