Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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