I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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