my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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