Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
A+ Viking dick
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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