I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
