this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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