Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
