I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
