She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
