I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
babies were throwing up all over the place
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
