Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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