was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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