Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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