I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
