her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We need to feng shui this bitch.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
