Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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