Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
