You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
