mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
