If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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