That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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