She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
