Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
