Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
