fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
