two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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