My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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