I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
