I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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