The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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