guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
