I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
