I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
