We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
