I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
