Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
pray to the hookup gods
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
