So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
