I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
