I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
