I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
