it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
