that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
