I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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