Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
