Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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