Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
