I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
