so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
