This is not my ceiling
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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