the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
