I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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