Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
