Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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