Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
